Always the camel, never the toe.
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Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.