Always the camel, never the toe.
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I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
secret recipe
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day