*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
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CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death