Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
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I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I’m awake but I object,
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.