Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Optional boss fight.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.