Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
You Might Also Like
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout