Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest