Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me