Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married