“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
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First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“I FIXED IT!”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.