@SteveSuckington: Alzheimer's cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
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@tayandmae: U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg Unless u only have one leg... Then you're good
@KalvinMacleod: MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’ NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
@LindaInDisguise: Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I'll try harder.
@sageboggs: Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell