“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY