Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
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Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I am crying
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
m’lady
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
They got Raph!
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?