Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
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I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.