Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.