@brandonIee: Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. "We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle."
@iamspacegirl: me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland. refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
@VeryRudeTweets: I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.
@midnightwhale: [police station] "sir you get one phone call." [calls 911] "hello 911 what's your emergency?" yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.