am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
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I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”