Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
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I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Boom, boom, ching!
Hey Fugeddaboutit
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people