@Gooooats: *uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*

@mommy_cusses: My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

@FuckabillyRex: *skateboarding at 16 I don't care about girls, I'm skating. *skateboarding at 43 I should have had more sex when I was 16.

@Angibangie: Me: I like a full bodied wine. Date: I'm not that knowledgeable about wine. Me: It's like, when the grapes were really thicc.

@jordan_stratton: Just once, I'd like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.