@NurseMurderer: Am I...are we... is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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@SuperRandomish: If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say "Matt?" My name will always be Matt.
@419BillE: Friend- "You're drunk." Me- *mocking voice* "You're drunk." Friend- "Stop." Me- *morphs into clone of friend* "Stop."
@Reverend_Scott: "So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?" [pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs] ...I love to help animals.
@ericsshadow: My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone" and now she won't let me stay home alone.