Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
That’s enough internet for the day
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost