Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich