Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
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It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
my favorite genre of twitter
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.