Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢