@Bob_Heller: Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
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@LeBearGirdle: *speed dating* I'm a competitive eater! Date: Are you any good? [grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
@DaddyJew: Girl: do you have a condom? Me: c'mon what's the worst that could happen *hears a knock on the door 4: daddy I think I started a fire
@daemonic3: Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!? "Mom, it's-" *dad makes throat slice gesture* "No one, Mom. No one"
@Chumpstring: FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me? ME: no FRIEND: they'd stop making fun of my ponytail ME: they'd pretty much have to