Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
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I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?