Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
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the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
there has never been a better use of this meme
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house