Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.