Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
How can I say no to this ?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.