@nikepinksunrise: Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

@david8hughes: [baby sitting] "Hey, yeah it's me. No, everything's fine. Just a quick question about his legs." "..." "So how many legs did he have?"

@Tmoney68: I've been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

@IamEnidColeslaw: HEY. Our ancestors didn't eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

@WilliamAder: I've been "watching my weight" and, rest assured, it's still there.