Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
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Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
New favorite tiktok
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer