Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
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*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
🙄😏😂🤣
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Salad is the decaf of food.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Ghost costume 😂
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.