Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I put the h in mysterious.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes