Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
This tweet has been deleted
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
my first dose meeting my second
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?