Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
You Might Also Like
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally