Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
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I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Isn’t
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.