Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
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“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths