am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
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*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Room with a view.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”