Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
In banana years, I am bread.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
accurate
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.