Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
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So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Breaking news:
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.