Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
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Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..