Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
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Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep