“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
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MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
PLOT TWIST:
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!