[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
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I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Nothing.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Simple
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*