Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Does beer think about me too?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle