Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
asking santa clause for nudes