Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?