*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.