@seamusmckracken: One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in. A love story

@longwall26: To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

@Douchekevin: Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she's driving. Girls are weird.

@caseytduncan: But I'm the good kind of abomination, right???

@daplusk: Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.