*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
You Might Also Like
Now that we鈥檙e divorcing,
I鈥檓 definitely not finishing that scarf I鈥檝e been knitting you for nine years
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
HER: I鈥檓 breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C 隆 !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My Sentiments Exactly
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I鈥檓 well-rested garbage.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
wife: don鈥檛 eat that, u know it won鈥檛 agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won鈥檛
Recipe comment: I didn鈥檛 use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Her: I鈥檓 hungry. If you loved me you鈥檇 give me breakfast in bed 馃槈
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
An escape room but it鈥檚 just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
VHS tapes used to be like: 鈥淔BI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney鈥檚 Flubber”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I鈥檓 starting to suspect it鈥檚 because he forgot her name.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn鈥檛 say I鈥檝e let quarantine life change me.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes