Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
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i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
scared to check what name she chose
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
#parenting
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!