@bridger_w: Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone's cart and demanding they fight you
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Some coworkers sign emails with "cheers" or "sincerely" followed by their names but I typically use "you've made a powerful enemy today."
@InternetHippo: elephant: i’m thirsty, how do i drink mother nature: inhale water & squirt it from ur nose directly into ur mouth elephant: what the hell
@ManicMinxy: Having your 7 year old son clean the toilet is pretty entertaining. He used Pledge. In other news I just slid off the toilet, into the tub.
@Reverend_Scott: GOD: Done. ANGEL: What is it? GOD: A penguin. ANGEL: So it can fly, right? GOD: This one's a swimmin' bird. ANGEL: Dude... are you ok?