amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
You Might Also Like
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
not to brag, but mine was free
multitasking lunch
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.