amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.