Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
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KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Not helping
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.