Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
*seductively eats two tums*
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.