[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
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A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?